I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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