so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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