Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
