Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
