I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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