When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
either way he was missing a nipple.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
