I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize