I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
