i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
