I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
