I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
