I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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