Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
time to smoke my breakfast
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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