if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
