I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
