i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
