If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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