If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
