Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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