i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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