I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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