Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
