Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
third nipple confirmed
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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