apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
