We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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