I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize