Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
