I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
