Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
