I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize