Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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