I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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