so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
