my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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