after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
