I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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