I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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