Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
