OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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