My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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