Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
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