Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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