I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize