the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
