I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
