Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I touched a dick in church today
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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