normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
