you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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