Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
