Im at strip club and am horny
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
