I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize