Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
