Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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