To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
My vagina is very pro this idea
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
