we have officially lost it.
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
