I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Randomize