I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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