I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i was born a porn star she said
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
