My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
