Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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