captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
