so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
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