i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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